HELLO.....

my name is Krystal Hardin and I am a sexual child abuse survivor.



This is probably going to be the hardest blog of my life. There are many things at stake and I am sure some will frown upon me or look at me in a different light because "I am a sexual child abuse survivor". Some people may not understand and that is OK. Some may pity me, but I ask you not to. For I am a "Survivor" and like most, my life has had it's own personal tribulations and trials but I have prevailed. I have overcome. I AM OK.
I know many things could be at stake such as friendships of those who won't understand my story or who will be angered by it for various reasons. That being said, I feel it is time to tell my story so that I can hopefully reach out to others in similar situations and help them to be a SURVIVOR too. In life you have 2 choices, you can let bad things that happen to you defeat you OR you can find ways to survive and conquer and overcome.
I am thankful for my LORD JESUS CHRIST who offers forgiveness to me and allows my heart to forgive those whom have hurt me. Holding onto anger only makes you unhappy and bitter. I forgave a long time ago but only over the last 9 months did I begin to tell my story. Had someone not betrayed me last summer, I may not have even ever told my story. Instead of being angry at this person for betraying my trust, I thank them for this gave me the needed strength to tell my story and release the demons that haunt me. I have become stronger and more resilient because of this.
I have the love of my family and my husband (whom already know my story) and 3 wonderful little boys....all of whom love me unconditionally regardless of my past. At the end of the day, that is all that is really important.
I hope that with my story I can reach others who have been through similar situations and bring to light a horrible reality in our world. For those who have been through similar situations....remember...YOU CAN OVERCOME.




I read the following post online and it's been in the back of my mind for a while now:

Most child abuse survivors are closeted. There is a stigma attached to what we lived through, like we’re some sort of damaged goods. Sure, we’re brave and strong and all that crap, but you don’t want us marrying your sons, right? You’re so impressed that we’ve made it out intact, but maybe you don’t want a sexual abuse survivor teaching your third-grader.
We are not damaged goods. Yes, we are broken in many ways, ways in which we may never be fixed. However, we need to stop feeling like we need to pass for whole. We need to be able to stand up and say, “I’m affected by what happened to me, and that’s OK. Because I’m also a strong, capable person.” We need to know that it is safe to talk about what happened without fear of judgment, because being a victim does not make a person damaged goods.

There’s always been something about the idea of survivors as “damaged goods” that has troubled me. Obviously, I feel very similarly to the author when it comes to being stigmatized by my childhood, but on the other hand, I don’t buy that abuse survivors are not damaged goods. That would seem to imply that what we went through was not quite the devastating experience that we know it to have been. She says so herself, stating that we are “broken in many ways”. To me that is the definition of damaged goods. Those broken bits are there, and have to be dealt with by those who wish to be intimately involved with us.

Of course, as I mentioned previously, everyone has had trials and tribulations throughout life and no one could actually pass for non-damaged. GOD knew when he created each and every one of us that we were all going to be "damaged goods" in one way or another so HE sent his SON to die for our sins and to give us everlasting life. Isn't that proof that everyone is damaged in some way? I think so.
Survivor or not, we all have issues we take into adulthood that we must learn to overcome, and that can be challenging for anyone. However, it’s also true that, despite the damage done to us in our childhood, we have the capacity to heal, to overcome, and to lead lives that are amazingly worthwhile. I feel I fall into that category and for that I am grateful for I know that others have not been so fortunate. That’s the message I would like survivors to hear, that no matter what you have endured, you can still find happiness in life and live a life of purpose and fulfilment. Life is not over by any means!

I became a victim when I was around 4 years old. I was sexually abused by a trusted neighbor, whose family was super close to my family. Although I can't remember EVERYTHING that occurred, I remember so much and those memories do haunt me from time to time. Some days are a constant battle to push the memories into the black hole of my brain that I try not to visit often. No matter how much I improve...I will never forget. In the 80s children were taught "If "A STRANGER" touches you or hurts you, tell someone. Us children of the 80s were not told "IF SOMEONE YOU KNOW" does these things you tell. It just wasn't how the world was then. No one expected those who were "family" to harm you or if they did it sure wasn't discussed. Add to that the fact that I was 4 years old, a child. (A) I didn't understand what was happening...I was too young to comprehend. (B) Because of lack of understanding how was I know that it was wrong when I couldn't even comprehend what was happening or why it was happening? Sadly, the abuse became part of my daily routine in the same way my kids wake up and watch cartoons everyone morning. When my parents were told my story (sadly not by me last summer)they went through their own grief of feeling like they let me down and were not good parents. Do I agree? ABSOLUTELY NOT! The individual who abused me was VERY trusted by my family and there were no signs that she was a bad person. Her parents were best friends with my parents. How could they have known? I harbor no ill feelings towards my parents. I don't blame my parents or fault them in anyway. They had no reason to think that something like this could happen to me. They were wonderful parents and protective parents and loving. They too became victims in their own way.

When I was 5 we moved so I was "free" from the abuse. Until it began again a short time later by someone else. This abuse lasted longer, years, and again was at the hands of someone trusted by family...because they were just that. It was a weekly occurrence. Did I know that what was happening to me was wrong? Maybe somewhere deep down but I think that because I was sexually abused so early in life that to me it was just something normal like tying your shoes. I couldn't grasp it all. Sadly, this "normal" abuse made me an abuser to someone younger than me for a period of time although not to the severeness of my own personal abuse. Nonetheless, I went from victim to attacker before I was 8 years old. This is a guilt that haunts me daily. I know that I was child who did not know better but that doesn't take the pain away that I harmed someone and gave them scars that I too now suffer. Even worse is knowing I scarred this person for life and I can't take it back and even though they know and understand I had no idea of what I was doing....the guilt is paralyzing. Once I was old enough to understand that abuse was wrong and bad, ALL abuse in my life stopped. I stopped playing the attacker and I stopped my attacker from making me their victim. I found my VOICE.

It's been hard having those I love find out about my past. I could have told my parents years ago but because I knew I was OK, I saw no point in hurting them. When they were told, they were devastated that they didn't protect me and weren't there for me. It took a lot of convincing to get them to see otherwise. Other people who learned my story will no longer let me be a part of their family or around their kids. In their eyes because I was sexually abused and because as a young child I was an abuser, I am a risk to their children.



This is the most hurtful thing. I was an innocent child who was abused from the age of 4 with no idea of what it was or why it was happening and it was done so regularly that to me it was normal. NEVER would I harm or abuse someone now. It is not who I am. I am not an abuser...I was a victim of life and the circumstances that presented themselves to my young life that I had no control over. To know that people say and believe that I am a sexual abuser now...there are no words to the pain that causes me. I've had several (okay more than several) crying breakdowns on my husband's shoulders and my parent's shoulders because people would think so low of me, especially people that have been close to me my entire life. I am a mother, a Christian, an adult...I know right from wrong. I am no longer a child. I would NEVER harm a child or even another person for that matter. It's a VERY sad, devastating even, stereotype that because you were abused as a child that odds are you will grow up and be the same. I know that for some people it does work that way but not with all of us. Everyone's circumstances are different and everyone makes the choice of how they proceed to live their life and how their past affects them.
I’ve seen plenty of examples of the damage caused in people’s lives by child abuse even seen it in my own life. I’ve seen plenty of adults who lack basic social skills, who have great difficulty interacting with others in accepted ways, and who do not understand proper boundaries. These are all the effects they have carried into adulthood of their past abuse. We are all clearly damaged, but not to the point of no return. I will agree, however, that we need not be shamed for having been damaged, but free to talk about what happened, to try and make sense of it, and overcome it, the same way this opportunity was provided for me. We shouldn't be judged for who we were and the hardships we faced nor how we handled them, especially as very young children.
This blog entry, although VERY hard was also VERY necessary for me to just be open and honest and to continue to try and heal and overcome and be the SURVIVOR I know that I am. Everyone will heal in their own ways. I know this. Not everyone would choose the methods I have taken and that is fine. It's a personal choice. There’s no “right” way to heal. We’re all individuals, we’ve all lived through different forms of abuse, and the things we need to do to heal ourselves will also be different. There’s no fool proof formula to overcoming abuse, we all have to find the right ways to do what we need to do for ourselves. That can be a struggle at times, but it’s what makes all of us special, we’re all unique and worth the effort!

Luke 6:37
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.