This has become a daily prayer for me. I have been feeling pretty low this week. Hence the stall in my blogging all week. All I felt was .....Lonely. Pure and honest loneliness. It's been going on for some time but seems to be getting worse, especially this week. I couldn't tell you why it's worse now but it surely is.

Before you think it, my marriage is GREAT! I LOVE my husband and we are doing fine. When he is home I don't feel AS lonely but still lonely. As if something is truly missing. I am a stay at home mom so I am always surrounded by my boys. But still feel lonely. This dark cloud of loneliness is forever hanging over my head. Sometimes it HORRIBLE. Sometimes I barely notice it's shadows. But it's ALWAYS there.

Do I know what's missing....I do actually. Do I know how to fix it? I have no idea. I don't even know where to start. The fact is, I am lonely because I feel as if I don't have many friends. Sure I am on facebook and blog and all that jazz with acquaintances but when it comes to TRUE friends, I have...well....not many. I used to have friends. TONS of them. Friends from childhood. Friends from school. Friends from college. Friends from work. Friends from church. Then when I married and began to live the "family" life. Suddenly my "friends" went away. I used to feel ashamed of this. I used to blame myself. Maybe I wasn't fun to be around anymore. Maybe I was changed since my life was now so different. But then I realized I am the same person inside that I always was. A marriage and 3 children and 6 years later...I am STILL ME. So why did everyone run?

I had, well still have, a friend who has been my best friend since I was 3 years old. One of the few people outside of family who knows EVERYTHING about me. We have shared just about everything in life together. Since my life changed by marriage and children I have sadly noticed the decline in this friendship. I was no longer "free" to hang out and goof off. She is still single and has no children so it's been hard for her to understand how I could be so tied down at home. Then it came out that I have everything she has and therefore she is jealous so it's hard to be around me. This was from her own lips. Now, her calls are no longer frequent. Her visits rare. The bond...broken. She still calls me her best friend but it sure doesn't feel like a best friendship.
I have begun to have a new friendship over the last year and I am thankful for that. She is a great girl and I love her to death but even so it's hard because our lives are so different and I don't think she relates to my life as well. She is single, well engaged now, and has no children. Her fiance takes much of her time as well. But she has been a good friend to me and I hope we can continue to grow in our friendship.
I have other friendships that were as strong and one by one they dropped like flies. One by one the calls began to stop and the bonds became broken. Without even a word spoken. I try to contact them all and make plans but everyone is too busy or they don't even answer. The calls I make are rarely returned. I know that it's probably frustrating to them that I am so tied down at home and it's hard for me to get away but is that reason to stop being some one's friend? I even had a friend stop being my friend because her new friend was jealous of her having another close friend! I mean SERIOUSLY? REALLY? Are we in high school? It's just so frustrating and sad and....LONELY. I shoulda seen it coming when everyone ditched me on the night of my bachelorlorette party..only one person showed up. Everyone else ditched at the very last minute. Guess that red flag should've raised! I am a little nieve you could say.

My life basically consists of Joe leaving for work Mon-Friday at 8 am and returning at 630pm. Then he has his one weekend a month National Guard drill weekend where he is gone the whole weekend. I am usually alone with the boys for the duration of his time at work. We have no playgroups to attend or fun outings to go on. Money is tight in this economy with a family of 5 on one income. (And for the record...we do not take any government aid...just saying). I have no friends calling wanting to come over and hang out with us or go on any outings with us. I "know" LOTS of other mothers and even chit chat online with them but am never invited into their circles. I attend church hoping to meet new couples/families that we can get to know and become friends with...no such luck. We are always the outsiders. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew why I am such an outcast. Why I never seem to fit in. Joe is in the same boat. His old friends bailed years ago as well. We can't seem to find any friends in Shelby County. Joe is now not only my best friend because we are married and that is the way it should be but he is also my ONLY true friend it appears. That can be a great thing or a not so great thing. He isn't great at painting toe nails, well he won't even try, even with me begging as I sit on the floor cursing the polish Gods because I can't get the polish on right. He isn't into chick flicks and fashion magazines. He hates to talk on the phone. I could go on and on. Basically, it's just not the same.

I can't tell you how much I miss talking to "my girls" on the phone. Having that sister bond. Knowing you could call them day or night if you needed them and vise versa. Girl's Nights. Slumber parties with chick flicks, junk food, wine, laughter....friendship. Always having each other's backs through thick and thin. Always being there. Sisters not by blood but by choice. I always get a pang of envy when I read other blogs and these moms are talking about their play dates and going out with their girls. How they couldn't exist without their friends who are always there for them. What I wouldn't give to still have friends like that. What I wouldn't give to not be lonely. To have friends that loved and cared about me and accepted me. It feels so trivial and high school but it's the truth. Life just isn't the same without friends. I would probably give up ALOT just to have some good friends. In my day dreams I picture Joe and I having these great friends and all of our children grow up together and we all go on picnics and trips and just do everything together. People whom we can relate to. Sadly, that hasn't been our reality.

It's even harder on me than Joe because while he gets adult interaction at work. I am home 24/7...just me and the kids. With occasional visits from my mom. I get frustrated because I know that I am a good person and I go out of my way for others. Yet I have no friends. I don't understand. WHAT DO I DO WRONG?

Is it my fault I have no friends? Or am I just a victim of how my life turned out or the wrong friendships I valued in the past that I thought were real? Was I wrong to honor these friendships so long (send flowers on birthdays, visit hospitals for new arrivals, attend every wedding shower, baby shower, wedding, birthday party, come to visitation when they lost a loved one, ect ect). Am I wrong to be angry that even after I did all of these things for others they never did so for me? Am I too nice? Do I let people take advantage of me and use me? Do I not see people for who they are? Why am I so alone? Why do I feel like I have failed in this aspect?

Maybe one day I'll figure it out. Until then....